The Modern Indian Expat In Asia

Here is a delightful first post on this blog by my good friend Achala Srivatsa. Read on, about the Modern day GIT!

Many years ago, I read an article written by the brilliantly funny Jug Suraiya where he talks about the Great Indian Traveller (or GIT) whose credo is “I am very bore”. Armed with this philosophy, the GIT proceeds to wreak havoc upon holiday destinations. His presence is detected by empty packets of chips strewn around freely and boom boxes blaring “chikni chameli” (I decided to make the song more contemporary. I don’t think it had reared its head those days) and the GIT’s offspring also declaring that they are still “bore”.

Read the full essay on my new blog site : http://reekycoleslaw.com/

A New Permanent Home

I am very happy to relaunch my blog on a new, permanent address.

http://reekycoleslaw.com

I have heard stories of blogs suddenly going missing from the Blogger website, especially when they have a lot of blog entries - which I definitely intend to do! Hence this move.

Thanks for your continued support, interest and feedback!  

Mothers And Other Very Important People

It’s Mothers Day today. So, Happy Mothers Day.

Now that I have got the mandatories out of the way, this note is mainly to rue the fact that Single Boys and Single Girls don’t have their own Big Day when they get others not of their ilk to, officially, make them feel special. Why is that Hallmark, or Archies, have not taken up this cause? Do they not know that, according to estimates, more than 40% of the population is Single? (Sure, that number includes the very young and the very old, but let’s not get bogged down by trifling details). This is a demographic of people who are liberated, largely solvent, reasonably educated, and have their own accommodation (typically a room at their parents’, or in a shared apartment, which is absolutely, to a very large extent, their own space). They are usually not-too-paranoid or suicidal either, and hence, can make decent company when they are not hungover. They are the “uncles” and “aunties” that little children safely rely on to bear them gifts, even on routine visits. Which Single Person has ever dropped in at her cousin’s or friend’s and not at least carried “chocolates for the kids”? Which Single Person has not been guilt-panged into working late or over the weekend because he is “free”? And, aren’t Single People routinely asked to drop friends or colleagues at locations that are “slightly” off their own regular route? Isn’t the precursor to any party the host-friend’s Wife asking the Single Person to “pick up a few bottles on your way”? Would they ever deign to say that to the Married-Couple-With-2-Kids who are also attending the party?  

This is a group that is unflinchingly helping Society hum along with sanity. Doesn’t it deserve to be recognized? Respected? Married People, Parents, Social Pundits, Marketeers, Lawmakers, should all be falling over themselves feting their contributions. A Singles Day would be a fitting tribute for everyone to recognize their importance.    

So, Single Folks, let us rally to fight for our cause. Let’s light up those candles and be on our way to Jantar Mantar. It is time to Congregate. Advocate. Demonstrate. Litigate. A real and serious Singles Day is our Right, and, before we lose too many of our troops to shaadi.com or bharatmatrimony.com, by God, we shall have it.

(I think I had most people at “Congregate”. What better way for Single People to mingle than at a Singles Rally?)

Postscript-1 - After spending an hour writing this, I decided to google “Singles Day”. I found a Wikipedia entry for “Singles Awareness Day”, also known as S.A.D., that is celebrated on February 15^th. The significance of the date is, obviously, not lost on anyone. Time for this lampooning, this persecution to end.

Postscript-2 – In breast-beating for the cause of my People, I didn’t want to take the glory away from our Mothers. They may be the World’s Biggest Naggers (“Hasn’t your hair grown too long?”). They may own the art of being Sacrificial Lambs (“Plane tickets are very expensive, just book me on the train. 18 hours will pass in a jiffy”). They may still be rooted to their own, medieval world (“That one time I used my card at the ATM machine, it swallowed it. I just go to the bank when I need money. Anyway, I don’t remember the PIN”). Or guilt trip you (“All my friends play with their grand children. And I have this stupid dog”). Say the most embarrassing things in public (“This is for 10 rupees? How much is it with my Senior Citizen discount?”). Still trigger happy in public, after all these years, with your most distressing stories (censored). The list is long, but regardless, we still love them. What would the world be without them?

Happy Mothers Day, Mom! Now, can you tell me what have you done with my new pants from Zara? I need to go to a rally.

Dangerous Ishq - Movie Review. The title tries to warn you.

The last scene of Dangerous Ishq has Karishma Kapoor bawling her eyes out. I suspect that there was a range of emotions involved – Thank God the movie is over, Why did I subject the audience to this, Why did I say yes when this film was offered to me, Did I really wait so many years for this to be my relaunch film, What am I going to do with my tattered reputation after this, Why don’t people love me and my sister, Why don’t they make films like Prem Qaidi any more, etc. (Ok, ok, so perhaps she wasn’t thinking the last question)

I happened to catch Dangerous Ishq last night. There were all of eight other folks in the theater, and those kind of first day occupancy figures are already apocalyptic for a film, so I think I will be kind to it.

The story is simple. There is a hero, a heroine, a bunch of villains, a male do-gooder and a female do-gooder. Hero gets kidnapped, heroine searches for him, and male and female do-gooders help her in the search. After a few strange plot twists, which make you take some deep breaths from ennui rather than elation, it is all over, and the unhappy audience quickly springs to its feet and moves on with life after this minor mishap.

On performances, Karishma is earnest, red-eyed, and doesn’t shriek as much as she used to in the past, Divya Dutta and Jimmy Shergill (as the female and male do-gooders) are reasonably ok, and the hero is too new and inconsequential to even talk about.

Music is below average and strictly functional, but there is just too much background music – especially in scenes where Karishma looks down dark and mysterious hallways, which she appeared to do every 5-10 minutes.

Oh, and the movie is 3D. For absolutely no reason at all. Quite like buying an Ambassador and installing alloy wheels on it. Pointless, because it is still an Ambassador.  

Audience reaction overheard – “I think it was way too long…maybe they could have edited out an hour or so”. Point to note – the movie was only about an hour and 45 minutes in length.

Audience reaction also overheard – “I think she still looks good for her age”. Point to note – Karishma is 37, not 65.

Movie rating – Save your 250 bucks and go have a thali at Haldiram’s instead.

Things We Can Only Learn From Indian TV Serials - Chapter 1

Glorious life lessons that Zee, Star and Sony TV teach us everyday. This is why Soap Operas are Educational.

Characters

• Angry Hero (a.k.a. 8-Year-Old-Boy, a.k.a. Mentally Challenged Man)

• Saintly Wife
• Nagging Mother-in-Law
• Plus other characters

Background (a.k.a. the first 5000 episodes)

Angry Hero does not like Saintly Wife, despite the fact that she looks like Princess Diana and behaves like Mother Teresa. There is no real logic to this, it’s just how things are. Despite his constant torments (he works late, never smiles at her, never buys her presents, and I don’t think they have ever had sex – though, it is hard to tell on Indian TV if anyone ever has sex at all – children come directly from Heaven), Saintly Wife continues to suffer in peace (readies his clothes and black shoes in the morning, cooks his favourite dishes, uncomplainingly listens to Nagging Mother-in-Law’s well, nagging).

Plotline (a.k.a. the next 5000 episodes)

A serious car accident is imminent. That causes Angry Hero to become amnesiac, and promptly attain the competence of an 8-Year-Old-Boy (or Mentally Challenged Man – it’s one or the other, deliberately kept vague by the writers, presumably for legal reasons. We shall use both these character descriptions interchangeably). Nagging Mother-in-Law, who was previously an avatar of Queen Victoria, collapses like a house of cards. However, Saintly Wife rises to the challenge. Takes on the mission to heal the 8-Year-Old-Boy back to health, despite the best Brain Surgeon having uttered the cruelest words on TV – “I am sorry”.

Challenges abound, but Saintly Wife takes care of every kind of crazy that the writers can think of – house fire, Mother-in-law’s heart attack, Scheming Uncle wanting to devour property and business, business upheavals, cash crunch, police raid even. There is even a Nasty Distantly-Related-Nephew, who occasionally casts a bad eye on our virginal Saintly Wife. Our Saintly Wife is not just Princess Diana and Mother Teresa, she is also Warren Buffet and Thakur Baldev Singh (of Sholay fame). Needless to say, the Nagging Mother-in-Law converts over time (and even saves Saintly Wife from Nasty Distantly-Related-Nephew).  

After the audience has coped with many, many instances of impending-doom-yet-saved-in-the-nick-of-time by Saintly Wife, she and Mentally Challenged Man must conduct a huge puja in the house to thank the Gods. Amidst a lot of background music of chanting and temple bells, (and falling TRPs and drying up sponsorships), the Mentally Challenged Man must trip and fall a l-o-n-g flight of stairs, then wake up in a hospital after “Operation!”, “Brain Surgery!”, “Coma!” and “Unko hosh aa raha hai”, eventually to finally recognize his Saintly Wife as his wife, and smile at her.

Lesson Learned

It may take a decade, but eventually, all Saintly (or otherwise) Wives fix their husbands.

     

Do Your Bit - Make The Uncles Proud!

There are two blueblood Kapoor families in Bollywood – and each is achieving an important milestone tomorrow. Karishma Kapoor and Arjun Kapoor are out with their debut (or redebut) films this Friday, in their valiant attempts at keeping their respective Kapoor Khandaans’ ka Jhandas flying high.

And you were planning on catching Avengers? Or worse still, Jannat 2? Where is your sense of duty towards Bollywood Royalty?

It may be that neither of these films looks interesting in the promos, but that is not the point. The point is, if you had 250 rupees that were weighing too heavily on your wallet, which of these two Uncles would you rather make happy? 

It is a tough call - but no one said Life was a piece of cake. Choose wisely.  

It's All Relative, You See

Every morning, you have to rise up even before you have had a chance to feel half-rested. You have to deal with power cuts and water woes. There is never enough time to get the kids ready, get the house ready and then manage to do so yourself. And this is just the first two hours of each day.

Add to that, traffic snarls, nasty clients, purposeless conference calls, and the pressure to meet revenue or sales numbers. If being at the office is not your scene, then you are probably home dealing with daily maid/servant/aayah khit-pit, insensitive neighbours, high inflation, home work and the PTA.

We get it. Life is hard.

So, would you like to substitute yours with this man's? Look at all the fun he is having!